The Age of Fortunetellers

Last time I checked, fortunetelling was reserved for New Year’s Eve when people with some form of “sight” grace our airwaves to tell us what to expect over the coming year – although they give themselves a few years as a range to make sure what they say eventually happens.
It got to a point where all our TV stations would host anyone. Those who pay the most get prodigy Michel Hayek. Those who can’t get Michel Hayek but are high profile enough get Layla Abdul Latif. And if you’re miserable like NewTV, you get an Australian card reader and give her pictures of our political leaders for her to look at.

However, it seems that the dark times the region is witnessing have gotten Layla Abdul Latif to get her “sight” together and inundate the world with predictions that will eventually happen. It might be in a year, or two, or ten. One could never know. It seems she’s also hell-bent on overthrowing Michel Hayek as Lebanon’s most celebrated neo-prophet.

Did you know we are having elections next year? Did you also know it’s going to be based on the 2009 law which everyone “theoretically” hates but no one is willing to change? Did you know the Sunnis and the Shia of Lebanon will NOT kill each other more than they already are?
Did you also know that Lebanon will soon become an oil exporter? Yes, because the massive amounts of national gas and petrol we’re sitting on are not meant to stay there apparently. You can check out the rest of the “predictions” here.

So people tune in to LBC which gets all the audience numbers of a Sunday night and even though they ridicule Layla Abdul Latif for the “visions” she gets, they still listen. And even though what she says is an absolutely logical reading of what might happen, somehow the clout she has thrown around herself as someone with a “gift” makes people feel more secure somehow.

It is the age of fortunetellers. And since fortunetelling seems to be in lately, I’ve decided to try my hand at it. *clears throat* these are my predictions for an unnamed period in time:

- People will continue dying in Syria until the revolution ends. Some people will die after that too.
- The Future movement will keep on hating Hezbollah. And vice versa.
- The animosity between the FPM and the LF will not decrease.
- Wi2am Wahhab will witness a markedly decreased spoken words per minute rate.
- Michel Aoun will become paranoid.
- Samir Geagea’s word-repeats will extend to new items in the vocabulary.
- Saad Hariri is enjoying his vacation in France. But he will return eventually.
- Hassan Nasrallah has a thing for underground bunkers and will not leave his anytime soon.
- The Israeli-Palestinian conflict has no near ending in sight.
- The Lebanese people will vote for the same people in 2013 and they will then nag about the same people reaching power again.
- The 2013 elections will witness below the belt accusations thrown by the different camps at each other.
- The 2013 elections will feature an increased role for social media. Bloggers will be paid to support one candidate over another.
- Saudi Arabia will suppress its women even further.
- The Islamic revolution in Iran will come up with new interesting ridiculous fatwas.
- The Middle East’s Christians will remain panicky about their future.
- The United States will remain divided between Obama lovers and Obama haters.
- The United States will be hit by new hurricanes… Eventually.
- Sh*t will keep hitting the fan in Greece.
- Big quantities of rotten and expired food will be discovered somewhere within the 10452km2 of Lebanon.
- People will keep violating the smoking ban without any repercussions whatsoever.
- Lebanon will not see an improvement in abiding by traffic laws in the near future.
- There will be new anti-Islam material which cause outrage across the Muslim world.
- Lebanon’s Maronite patriarch will vote for the pope that will succeed Benedict XVI.
- Apple will release a new iPhone that keeps the iPhone 5′s form factor. And people will nag. Droids will hate. Everyone will buy anyway.
- Samsung will lose yet another lawsuit and be made to pay another billion.
- World peace will not happen.

I personally do not have the gift of “sight” and I came up with these while a physician was lecturing me about anemias. But if Michel Hayek and Layla Abdul Latif do it, why not me? Enno shou we2fet 3layon?
Now who wants to pay me thousands of dollars to host me on some TV show? I have stuff to buy and vacations to plan and people to fool.